There are two specific times when people seem to forget about decent internet behavior. First being presidential election season. People whom I generally like literally become monsters and spend hours arguing on one simple status update that reads, “Go Republican!” They are like wild bears during mating season and will stop at nothing until they get what they want.
Actually, I literally have no idea what bear mating season is like. Is there a mating season? Anyways, since we are on the topic of mating, that leads me to the second worse time of the year for the internet: Valentine’s Day.
I am single. So, naturally you might assume that I hate this time of the year because of all the beautiful and romantic couples that post “I LOVE YOU SO MUCH BABY CAN’T WAIT FOR TONIGHT XOXO” on each others walls. You might think that I hate seeing my peers and even girls I used to babysit post pictures of them and their significant other at a romantic dinner filled with champagne and appetizers that cost more than my whole week’s worth of groceries. But, you are wrong. Why do I hate the internet this time of year? Oh no no, it is not because I am sulking in my God-forsaken season of unending singleness as I watch love throw up all over my news-feed. It’s quite the opposite. It’s because of all the single ladies (and boys).
Like clockwork, on February 1st every single person comes out of hiding and begins to broadcast their relationship status for the entire world to see. Even those that generally stay under the radar on Facebook come out of hibernation and begin flooding your newsfeed with passive-aggressive posts about how they are “forever alone” in the hopes that the man or woman of their dreams will find pity on them and ask them out.
But they don’t. They never ask you out. In fact, you are asking the question, “why am I single” and I would encourage you to look at your wall for the last 12 days or so and I’ll let you answer that question yourself. Please stop embarrassing and mis-representing single people all around you. Some single people actually like the idea of their friends and family experiencing love and romance while they browse the same crappy movie selection on Netflix for the ten-thousandth time. Some singles like to hang out with their friends and buy themselves flowers and chocolates for the 27th year in a row. SOME PEOPLE LIKE IT OKAY?!
But seriously, you single people need to calm yourself. Stop Taylor Swifting the world and displaying your every lonely emotion for the world to see. The couples that you complain about actually give me hope that someday I’ll find the Jay-Z to my Beyonce. The K-Fed to my Britney…wait, no. I found my K-Fed and that story will be saved for an entirely different blog. I’ll need to get the okay from my therapist to post that one though.
So, there is my rant for the day. Singles, be happy. Couples in love, be happy. Now, let’s all hold hands, sing kumbaya and eat chocolate shaped hearts together.
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