There is always a first for everything.
Ladies and gentlemen, I experienced my first Buti call.
What is a buti call, you may ask? Well, allow me to explain.
Once upon a time, like 3 days ago, I was a sad girl at the gym. No literally. I called my mom while on the stationary bike and cried openly about stuff like how I don’t look like Beyonce and the terrors of being so broke that I have to drink un-organic coffee. You could say that I was not feeling particularly motivated this evening, but I knew that since I am going to Vegas to see Britney in a few days, I needed to follow her words of wisdom. You want a hot body? You better work. As I was very un-passionately working out on the elliptical, I had a brilliant idea. I should look to see if there are any classes being offered. That way I will be forced to stay. So, I walked up to the counter and looked at the schedule. Up next, Buti (pronounced booty) Yoga. Hmm, sounds nice and relaxing. Plus, I pride myself on being a seasoned Bikram Yoga attendee, so all other yoga is child’s play compared to that.
I walked into the class and waited patiently for the instructor to arrive. She walks in looking like your typical Victoria’s Secret model who weighs in at 89 lbs yet still has muscles that intimidate me. She looks at the class and says, “You’re going to love it. Especially with Valentine’s Day coming up.”
That should have been my first clue that I was out of place. But I just thought…”Um, ok. Whatever that means.”
Then, the music begins playing. Now I’m expecting some hippy Enya song to come out of the speakers but no. Oh, no no. It’s SHAKIRA. The instructor then begins moving her hips back and forth and advises us to do the same.
“Feel the music and feel empowered!” She yelled as her hair swayed back and forth with her hips. “Really rock your hips so you can release your chakra” she says as she strips down to just a bra and “buti” shorts that I’m pretty sure is just a fancy word for, I don’t know, UNDERWEAR.
Oh my goodness. What is this?
She begins doing other awkward hips shaking moves and tells us to shake our “buti” with it. So, here I am. Trying to mimic the instructor who is swaying her hips back and forth, shaking her “buti” and throwing her arms in a circular motion in the air as she flips her hair side to side.
I suddenly began to feel like I was in a 50 cent music video except I looked more like this…
I embrace my white girl status and just do the best I can. I will admit that I got a little excited when she pulled a classic Britney “Slave for You” dance move and I envisioned I was dancing with a giant yellow snake around my arms! It strangely helped.
My Britney impersonation soon fades and it’s time to move to the floor exercises. We go into downward dog and then into a plank. She then tells us to hold the plank and pop our “buti” to the beat of the music. I don’t even know what I was doing but I’m pretty sure I’m supposed to be saving that for marriage. At this point, Dark Horse by Katy Perry is playing. I really never expected to be booty popping to that song any time soon, let alone sober.
I wanted to scream and cry and run out of that room so fast! The walls seemed to be caving in a around me and my hips were doing things that I vowed at a youth group convention to never let anyone see! At this point, I not only feel like an awkward pretend stripper who’s about to lose her job, but I have officially seen more of the instructor’s body than I ever wanted to see of any woman!
I try to gather my thoughts as I’m in some random booty popping position and just then, Sasha Fierce spoke to me. Suddenly, a Beyonce song came on the same time the fans came on. Since I had forgotten a pony tail holder, my hair was down so the fans blew my hair. I looked at myself in the mirror with my hair blowing gloriously and thought, “I AM BEYONCE! I AM SASHA FIERCE! NOTHING CAN STOP ME NOW!”
The class came to a close shortly after that and I laid in my peaceful one minute savasana as I wondered if I need to say some sort of prayer asking for forgiveness for what I had just done.
So, there you have it. My only Valentine’s Day buti call. Oh and PS: I googled “buti yoga” upon my arrival home and it’s homepage had a picture of a girl in a bikini and the description said things like, “free the female spirit” and “to cure something hidden or secret.”
Jesus, please forgive me for I knew not what I was about to do.
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