Buzzfeed STRESSES ME OUT AND BROKE MY HEART

Ok, let’s just get right to the point. Buzzfeed is taking over the world. Or at least the internet, which these days is basically the same thing.

Unless you’ve lived under a rock, Buzzfeed is the last and greatest blogging site that posts something like six hundred and twenty-four thousand times a day with captivating titles like, “Which Celebrity Should You Get Drunk With?” or “What European Country Should You Live In?” I mean, these are all legitimate questions that I have often times found myself wondering.  Plus, now I know that when James Franco approaches me in with a whiskey sour, I should kindly turn him away because Buzzfeed said I’m better off drinking with Jennifer Lawrence and I also happen to know that whiskey sours are not my drink, but rather vodka tonics are. How do I know that? Buzzfeed.

As all addictions do, it begins innocently.  I’m just curious, plus everyone else is doing it.  I’ll be laying in my twin bed, scrolling through my newsfeed and Buzzfeed asks, “Which Beyoncé Are You?”  Well, I don’t know.  I’ve never been asked that question before.  I’d like to think that I’m more like “Illuminati Beyoncé” because the idea of world power is intriguing, but as I mentioned, I’m sleeping on a twin bed at the age of 28 so world domination isn’t quite my thing yet.  I’d like to be “Crazy In Love Beyoncé”, but the last person to I tried to make confess their love to me was Siri and that didn’t end so well for me.

Actual conversation I had.  I'm over you Siri!

Actual conversation I had. I’m over you Siri!

Suddenly, I feel as though I have no idea who I am. What if I’m “Destiny’s Child Beyoncé” and I am forced to share the stage of life with Kelly Rowland and some other chick whose name literally nobody knows! Am I “Blu-Ivy’s Mother Beyoncé?” I mean, I am always exhausted and I do find myself standing in the mirror screaming “What happened to me?! My body used to be amazing until this [food] baby came along and now I can’t even button my skinny jeans!”   I have only one option.  Click the link and find out.

I then take a step of faith and click the link, knowing that I may be forced to see results that I may not want to see.

First question: Pick a Pizza.  Umm, alright.  This one on the upper left. I like pepperoni. No , wait.  Too plain.  Maybe this one in the middle.  Supreme. Yes. Supreme meaning ultimate.  World domination.  A little bit of everything. Oh dangit. There’s a low-calorie pizza option?! Should I pick that one? SASHA FIERCE WHAT WOULD YOU DO?!

Next Question: What’s a typical Friday night for you? Well, I’m in ministry school so street evangelism.  Hmmm, I don’t see street evangelism as an option. Ok. What’s the next best thing to winning souls for Christ? Netflix and cookie dough.  Yes, I feel the anointing on that one. *Click*

Third Question: Pick a Justin Timberlake. Bleached and curly-haired N’Sync Justin? No. Sexy Back Justin? Maybe. 20/20 Justin. Hmm…too long winded. Britney Spears Justin. Yes! The ultimate power couple that never was!

Fourth Question: Who would you rather date? Umm, wait. This is literally all pictures of Jay-Z. Is this a trick question? Jay-Z smoking a cigar. Jay-Z in front of a wall of fire. Jay-Z on a motorcycle.  Jay-Z with a Yankees hat. Jay-Z in a beanie. WHAT IS HAPPENING BUZZFEED? Oh wait, there is one of Jay-Z on his iphone. Let’s pick that one and pretend he’s instagram stalking me or something.

Fifth Question: What’s Your Life Philosophy?  Well, considering “I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly” is an option, let’s just assume that this isn’t going to end well and I’ll have to settle.  “I’m a survivor.” Whatever. Sure.

And this process goes on for another few minutes as I pick my favorite outfit, my drink of choice, favorite social media website and so on.  Keep in mind, the whole time I am feeling extremely over-anxious and like I am lying if I answer a question the wrong way! I mean, how do I know that I would prefer Paris over Amsterdam?! I’ve only ever been to Paris!

Finally, the moment I have been waiting for.  The moment when everything is about to make sense in life. My life question will finally be answered as I find out which Beyoncé I am. I scroll down, in anxious anticipation as if I’m about to walk into my own surprise party and innocently laugh as I pretend that I’m not loving all this attention… And the answer is…

beyonce4

WHAT?? That’s it? 4?! I just poured my heart and soul into picking the best outfit for a night out and all you have to say is that I’m innovative and blow people away with my awesomeness?? WHAT EVEN KIND OF HAIR IS THAT BUZZFEED YOU CAN’T EVEN GIVE ME A PICTURE WITH A HOT WEAVE!?

Whatever. I’m over it.  Consider yourself dead to me, Buzzfeed. Unless of course I ever need to know what Olympic Athlete I should go on a road trip with, then I’ll reconsider.

 

Does Buzzfeed stress you out? Please tell me I’m not alone.

A Letter To Miley Cyrus

Dear Miley,

I, as well as millions of Americans, sat in amazement as I watched your VMA performance. No, you are not the first artist to grind on a backup dancer (however you may be the first to grind on a teddy bear but who knows), sing about your life of partying and drug abuse, or to strip down to your chonies. It’s all been done before. So why is your performance evoking such media attention, anger, amusement, and general confusion? Well, I have yet to speak to the millions of viewers personally, but here are a few of my guesses.

1. Yes, we all know that you are NOT Hannah Montana and we are all aware that you are of legal age to make your own decisions and mistakes. I am sincerely sorry that at such a young age you were forced to adhere to the pressure of being a role model when no 12 year old can really comprehend what that even means. I am sorry that you became a media product and you had to remain marketable despite your growth and interest in finding yourself. You were forced to push your own dreams and desires aside in order to keep the money rolling in for everyone around you. I have never been a child star and I will not pretend to know what that is like. However, you’ve been on a constant quest to prove how very not Hannah Montana you are and after a while it gets old. I mean, look at Britney. She too wanted to prove that she was no longer a girl but not yet a woman so she just penned a nice, catchy ballad about it, recorded a music video of herself singing it over a mountain top and moved on (insert sarcasm).The point is, instead of parading your rebellion 24/7, try letting us into your world and your heart.

2. I know I mentioned that a 12 year old should never have to be a role model, but as you have been very clear, you are no longer 12. You are 20. Therefore, you now have the responsibility of being a role model. So when you sing about getting a line in the bathroom, getting high on Molly, shaking it like you’re at a strip club, and doing whatever you want, you are sending the wrong message to girls everywhere. You see, you are the exception to the general rule. When you do those things, you get media attention. You get paid for club appearances. You get checks in the mail for your iTunes downloads. But when our girls do that, they get pregnant. They get addicted to heroin and end up on the streets leaving their family and friends in constant fear and grief over them. They drop out of school. They get kicked out of college and lose their scholarships. So, they really do end up shaking it at a strip club in order to pay the rent for themselves and their deadbeat boyfriends who can’t hold a job because of their alcohol dependency. You see, your music paints a false picture of what reality is. Partying and using drugs doesn’t lead to number one hits and nights filled with champagne, limo service, paparazzi attention and Snoop Dogg (lion?) calling you his homie. It leads to disaster, poverty, heartache and unfortunately for some, death.

3. Watching you perform makes me sad. I don’t mean that in the passive-aggressive “I don’t like you so I’m going to call you pathetic to make you feel stupid” kind of way. It really makes me feel sad because you have one of the greatest voices in the music industry. You have talent beyond what you may even know and you just cannot sustain a long term career using sex and drugs as your only muse. I know that there is something deeper in that little heart of yours and that’s what the world wants to see.

So Miley, you will probably never read this because I think the most hits my blog has had in a day is 400 (and yes I felt cool), but this is my prayer for you. I pray that you stop dancing with Molly. I pray that if you insist on wearing nude colored shorts that you consider picking a pair that leaves more to the imagination. I pray that you really do find yourself the way you so desperately want to. I pray that you live a LONG life full of fulfilled dreams, adventures, and love. I pray that you find your way back home and rediscover the heart that got you to where you are. I really am rooting for you. All the best.

20130826-075031.jpg

Like this post? Share it on Facebook, twitter, google+, or whatever else you’d like!